


Reflection

by clowchan



Series: In the Key of Barisi [26]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: EsparzaExchange, Family Issues, M/M, Sad, but then turns to fluff, dealing with the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 02:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7916995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clowchan/pseuds/clowchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barba sometimes hate to look in mirrors and there’s a reason why</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reflection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abrasivepersonalitytendersoul](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=abrasivepersonalitytendersoul).



> This is a secret santa assignment given to me by EsparzaExchange

Rafael hated to admit that when he looked in the mirror, he sometimes saw his father's reflection looking back at him. How it pained him. A daily reminder of a man who caused him so much pain in the past. Someone who would beat him, often times, for no reason. What hurt more was how his father belittled him all the time when he grew up. He often wondered if that was why his mother had better hope for his friends than himself. Perhaps she fell for his lies too.

The man has been dead for 16 years and here he was staring right back at him, scorn in his eyes. Always disappointed, never satisfied with his accomplishments. Even winning a scholarship to Harvard didn't impress his father. Then again, his father never much cared for lawyers. His father wanted him to be a more athletic type, not some nose-in-a-book nerd. Ever since he was a little boy, Rafael wanted to help people. Be there for them, made sure they would be ok. To be the opposite of who his father was. He wanted to break the mirror yet he was a logical man. That would be stupid. He clenches his hand into a fist for a moment before splashing his face with cold water a couple times.

“Are you ok?” A voice startles him out of his thoughts.

“I'm fine,” Rafael reaches for a hand towel and dries his face. He looks up to see Sonny leaning against the bathroom doorway with a half-crooked smile.

“Alright, just checking,” Sonny says.

Rafael could tell Sonny didn't believe him; He did appreciate him not asking any further. He felt Sonny's arms wrap around his waist, pulling him close. Rafael adored these affectionate hugs from Sonny and thoughts of his father disappeared temporarily.

“Hope you have time for breakfast. Made waffles with a side of sausage.” Sonny kissed his cheek.

Rafael smiled, “I actually do.”

“Awesome.” Sonny grabbed Rafael by the hand, dragging him to the dining table, where his breakfast and coffee waited for him.

* * *

 During a small recess for court, Rafael finds himself looking at his reflection again. His father reappears telling him he's going to lose the case, filling him full of doubt. Just like when he first passed the Bar and joined a small firm. His father had no faith in his abilities and he used his small stature against him. Not that his father was tall, he was the same height as Rafael, but his father knew at the time it bothered him. His father always told him that no person would take him seriously. This only made Rafael try harder, to become smarter, to know the laws more intimately. That would be his revenge against his father's disapproval. And yet his father continued his disinterest and demeaning comments throughout his budding career. Rafael's lip curls in disgust, which made him look more like his father than before. “I hate this,” he says to himself, washing his hands.

“I think you're doing great, Counsellah.” It was Sonny again, who was in there only to fix his hair.

“Oh, that,” Rafael says as he dries his hands. “I know I am. The jury is definitely going to find him guilty.”

Sonny smiles, “I guess he should've took the plea, huh?”

“Yeah,” Rafael smirks but frowns as he turns away from Sonny.

As predicted, the jury came back with a guilty verdict. It was almost the definition of an open and shut case for Rafael yet he wasn't in a celebratory mood back at home. He felt haunted by his father and he barely touched his dinner.

“Rafi, this has been bugging me all day,” Sonny looks at him.

“What is it?”

“What's wrong? And don't say _'nothing'_ ,” he looks seriously at him.

There went Rafael's go-to answer and he knew Sonny knew that. He aimlessly pushes a spaghetti noodle to the side of the plate. What could he say? That he can't look himself in the mirror at times because he reminds himself of his father? And that this feeling comes and goes? That sounded crazy and preposterous. He didn't know how to respond.

“Rafi?” Sonny asks in a more worried tone.

“Look,” Rafael raises his voice for a moment and then lowers it. “Sorry, it's something personal.”

“You can tell me,” Sonny reaches over and lays a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Rafael lets out a huff.  “If I tell you, don't judge me, ok?”

“You know I would never,” Sonny gently squeezes his shoulder and lets go. “What's goin' on?”

A slight blush crosses Rafael's face, “When I look in the mirror I see my father sometimes.”

“What?” Sonny says with a confused look.

“Forget I said anything,” Rafael pushes his plate away and walks towards their bedroom. It's not that Sonny made him mad. This topic made him feel uncomfortable by himself, nevertheless discussing it with somebody else. He had to lie down.

“Rafi,” Sonny gently knocks on the door.

Rafael turns over a little, “Hmm?”

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything,” he says as he looks down.

“Don't be, come in.” Rafael pats the bed, where Sonny sits next to him. He was finally ready to tell Sonny what was going on. He sits up and places a hand on top of Sonny's. “Sometimes...if I'm having a bad day and I look in the mirror I see my reflection as my father.” His heart pounded in his chest. He never admitted that to anyone. It was hard for Rafael to open up like this and that scared him. Yet Rafael trusted Sonny and that was a new feeling for him.

Sonny remained silent with the exception of a couple “ _mmhmm_ ”s and nodding his head. Rafael continues, “It's really illogical but I truly believe I look like him and I hate it.” His hand curls into a fist under Sonny's hand, who rubs his hand to calm him. He could barely look at Sonny.

“Hey,” Sonny gently lifts Rafael's head. “But are you your father?”

“What?”

 _“Are you your father?”_ he asks again.

He ponders for a moment at his question. “No.”

“Exactly.” Sonny kisses his forehead. “I don't know your father. What I do know is that you are an honourable man. One who speaks out for victims and tries his hardest to get the best possible outcome for them in court.” He wraps his arm around his shoulder. “You might be a tough ass...”

The phrase garnered a little smirk from Rafael as Sonny continues, “But you're not a bully. When I look at you I see a good man, someone to be proud of and to be admired. And I'm sure others will agree too.” He plants another kiss on his temple. “You are not your father and that makes me happy.”

Rafael knew that he wasn't like his father but to hear Sonny actually say that made him feel better. He was not one to get overly emotional but in this instance he hugged Sonny tight, whispering, “Thank you.” Sonny nuzzled him in response.

It was here during this sombre moment that Rafael's stomach decided to growl loudly. Rafael rolls his eyes as Sonny looks at him.

“Sounds like someone remembered they left a plate of food on the table.” Sonny pokes his stomach in a teasing manner.

“Hey,” Rafael huffs in response, blocking his hands.

 Sonny chuckles, “I'll warm your food.” He kisses him gently.

“You better,” Rafael's pout turns into a smile under his kiss.

“And we'll watch Netflix. Your choice.” Sonny leaves the bedroom.

“Good.” Before Rafael follows Sonny, he looks at his reflection in their dresser mirror. Instead of seeing his father looking back at him, it was just him, and no one else. And it would be like that from that day on.


End file.
